Saturday, 6 December 2014

Daddy, am I too controlling?

For anyone who knows me, it is a well-known fact that I am an organised control freak.

No. Really. I am.

As a teacher you do have to be, if I'm honest. Time management is essential. Your working day is regimented and timetabled every hour and then within each hour your lessons are planned to within an inch of their lives - they have to be, for the scrutiny is relentless; you're under a constant microscope and that's before the media takes a dump all over you every day.

When I was pregnant I was really worried that I wouldn't be a good mum. I was scared that I might be too self centred and bloody-minded! I am always of the mindset that if you want something doing then just do it yourself because it will be easier.

However, since becoming a mum I can see that I have changed in many ways. I am definitely more relaxed about certain things (I get less annoyed...or maybe I just take longer to get annoyed, lol). I am less self concious of my body...I accept that I'm no skinny-minnie and that's fine right now. I have always been very nurturing and loving - that has just intensified. However, I still feel I am regimented...

My inspiration for this reflection came last night when I went out with some friends, for the first time since having Jake.
I was only over in Worcester, and it was only for about 4 hours (but in baby terms this is a lot! They are like dog lives!). This meant that for the first time, Daddy was alone with Jake for a significant number of hours and he had to be in control.

To make things easier, I waited until we had done the bed time routine (in line with CLB of course) and Jake was asleep. This meant that Daddy just had to do 3 things:

  1. Make the 10:30pm bottle and the 2 bottles for the morning.
  2. Feed him at 10:30 if I wasn't back in time.
  3. Keep watch and make sure Jake was OK.

All of these things, Daddy assured me, would be fine. I was completely confident that all would be OK - after all, he's here every night when I'm doing most of this and he's done these things himself.

No biggie.

About 10:45 I rang Luke and said I was leaving, on my way back and would be home soon. I asked him if he'd made the 10:30pm bottle up - 6oz of hungry milk and squeezed the air vent to avoid colic. Yep he'd done that. Brilliant.

I asked him if he had made the next two bottles as well - yes he'd done that, 6oz of normal milk... NOPE! He takes 7oz every feed except the 10:30pm...

I asked him if he had done the 10:30pm feed - yes he'd done it, Jake had 3oz and was back to sleep... NOPE! He takes the full bottle before you let him get back to sleep...

I was so annoyed. This meant Jake would wake up hungry now in the night, his bottles for tomorrow were wrong and the routine was all messed up. Brilliant. FFS.

I mean - how did he NOT know this?? I was furious. Why couldn't he get this right? I do it all the time, how hard is it??

As I was getting into bed next to him later that night, he kept apologising and he obviously felt bad. I lay awake for ages as I couldn't switch off and then I realised something...

@MummyBexm - My two boys, Daddy and Jake.
How could he have known? I hadn't told him. Being the organised control freak that I am, I always make the bottles because - if you want a job doing you're better off doing it yourself, right? Even when he offers.

I hadn't written it down, or discussed with him before I left that that was what I normally did - so how could he have known???

I felt awful. I looked over at him, asleep, and I thought 'You silly woman'. I gave him a sneaky kiss and cuddle while he continued to snore and this morning I reassured him that it was OK, it wasn't his fault. It's no big deal. He did great.

I love my boys and I would not be who I am without my husband who loves me so much, even though I am an organised control freak.

Lesson learned.


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