Monday, 9 February 2015

First Day Back At Work

Tick - Tock. 2:30am.
Tick - Tock. 4am.
Tick - Tock. 5am.
Tick - Tock....6am.

I spent the last night of maternity leave awake and fretting as the night moved into the day of my first week back at work. It was dark and cold as I finally decided to give up and get up for work.
That's right. Get up for work. The whole concept still feels alien to me.

Jumped in the shower, washed my hair and wrapped myself up. Made a cup of tea and whacked the telly on to watch morning drivvle about how terrible the world is - so I switched over to channel 5's Milkshake kids programmes instead (oh how things have changed!).

My dilemma was this: do I get myself ready to the max and then wake Jake up and get him sorted? Or get myself mostly ready before waking and changing Jake before getting myself dressed? In the end, as it wasn't a nursery day, I decided to get myself ready and then go and get Jake. It seemed to work well - but he hadn't done a poonami explosion this morning so that was just lucky.

Eventually it was time to say goodbye. It seemed that I couldn't actually look at him. The cracks began to spread as soon as I did and tears just welled. After composing myself I left and shut the front door - walked a few steps ahead - then burst into tears. I cried/ sobbed for the entire journey to work before pulling myself together in the car park. I gave myself a very stern talking to.

The day at work was uneventful. Dull. Tiring. Lacking. There was no Jake. None of his little giggles and squeals. No 'Thomas and Friends' or 'Peppa Pig' to watch together. No playing on the playmat and looking in the mirror making faces. Nothing but noise and rote behaviours.

I was lucky that I was sent several photos throughout the day to show me how happy and OK Jake was - he hadn't even noticed I wasn't there - and I was so glad. I raced home tonight after a respectable amount of staying behind and I was so happy to see him. Bath time, bed time, bottle time was all wonderful and the best moment of my day was singing to Jake whilst having his cuddles - we do this every night after his bottle and before we put him down. He loves music and he loves to be sung to.

The first day back wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but honestly? It was bad enough. Now - just have to do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

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